Random Recollection

Six months, time will fly but…

Yatindra Bhatnagar

Today, six months back, on 15th May I was left alone. There were, and are, so many other dear and near ones, very close and loving and caring. Missing is Sadhana, my wife of 54 years, seven months and one week. She was my friend, lover and companion. She shared all my joys and sorrows, who could read me as none could, and who was my pillar of strength. In those last terrible 19 days in the hospital I saw, we all saw, life was ebbing away quickly and she was gone forever.

The last few days she rarely opened her eyes. She had stopped talking quite some time back but she was there, we could see her, we could talk to her. She was eating, watching movies, and often she would smile.  

Now she is just a memory, a story, someone a part and  parcel of my life, our lives. She is gone, never to come back. It’s six months already.

I look at her several photos in my room, several times a day, and night, and wonder why she left me, us. A million questions are raised, none answered. Life is just like that and we cannot do anything, nothing. Just call it destiny, fate, inevitable, God’s will, or whatever. But we are shattered, I am devastated and will keep on counting, days, weeks, months and years without her, if I live that long.

I keep on humming words of songs that reflect my feelings. I write messages/letters to Sadhana knowing that she will not reply. No letters, no message from you, don’t know where you have gone, can’t see, touch or bring you back. That’s God’s will. I know all that but still refuse to accept it as justified, fair, my fate, her fate or anything.

Sadhana was everything for me. On her 75th birthday, October 14, 2015 I wrote a poem that sums up what she was for me:

 

On Sadhana’s 75th Birthday

 

I often think about you.
What are you to me?
A whiff of gentle breeze, the first ray of the Sun?
The smiling flower, shining moonlight?

Yes, all that and much more.

 

New world of dreams, a unique love story?
The courage to walk by my side to new goals?
My strength in weaker moments?

Yes all that, and much more.

 

My companion, my inspiration?
My hope and faith, bright sunshine?
And thick shadow to protect me from the scorching Sun?

Yes, all that and much more.

 

You are the reason, the purpose of my life,
You are my pillar of strength,
You are my long love-story,
And, you are my whole universe. 

But my whole universe is now shattered. I am alone in the crowd.